Left behind

The shocking news that David Cameron left his daughter behind in the pub, does not in the least surprise me. I myself, have left any number of children behind in pubs. The greedy little blighters never stump up the cash when it is their turn to buy a round. So if they can't be bothered to pay their way, then let them find their own way back home.

But as he is seen as a caring Conservative, I doubt very much that David Cameron would have taken this robust view of the misery caused by childish misers. Perhaps he was momentarily distracted by that well known sufferer of Restless Arms Syndrome, Ed Balls. In which case, it is perfectly understandable that he left the child behind in a momentary lapse of concentration., anyone would have done the same. My copy of The Guardian is strangely silent on the matter of his whereabouts.

I would hesitate to suggest that he has taken to stalking David Cameron, we must all presume that he is innocent and was nowhere near the place at the time. But until The Guardian reassures me on the matter, I fear I shall not rest easy.

Restless Ed

Unable to sleep last night, for worrying about poor Ed Balls. Eagle eyed television viewers will have spotted him slumped on the opposition front benches at PMQ's, his hands making drinking or throat cutting gestures towards the government. Uncharitable observers have claimed that it is a bullying attempt to distract David Cameron when he is saying something. It is my belief however, that he is suffering from  a little known affliction called Restless Arm Syndrome. Sufferers report that they are prone to making involuntary arm and hand movements at inappropriate moments, causing them much embarrassment. A comparison could be made to the more familiar verbal condition, Tourettes syndrome.

Now his condition seems to have deteriorated. He has recently commissioned a survey into finding out why people seem to dislike him. Normally I believe that a person should be free to spend their money how they choose to. But this is a worrying development, possibly indicating delusional paranoia, which is clearly a worrying development in his condition, indicating that things have taken a turn for the worse.

One possible cause for this may be something as simple as an iron deficiency, brought upon by his diet. Ed has become quite well known for hosting frequent dinner parties for his posh chums in the Labour party, in an effort to make them like him more. He seems to be feeding them exclusively on Lasagna and Eton Mess and herein lies his problem. Any dietician would have told him that he needs to have more variety in his diet. I blame Andy Burnham, the labour health spokesman for not doing his job properly by giving him some advice.

He could try eating peacock for a change, as I suggested to the residents of Banks yesterday, but I fear that the sauce poivrade would be too much for his delicate stomach and that he should stick to plainer food for a while. Lord Archer used to host some shepherds pie and champagne parties, perhaps he could give him some recipies and advice, if Andy Burnham won't.