Back of the hairnet

After our nail biting, historic and sensational draw against France, tight lipped England manager, Roy Hodgson, was in a voluble and buoyant mood. "Footballs coming home and so are we, we already have our flights booked," he told a packed press gallery. "Soon our Toad in the hole, Wayne Rooney will be back and then there will be no stopping us."

I remain optimistic, but slightly sceptical about his claims for success for the tournament. Wayne Rooney may be coming back after his suspension, but there may be trouble brewing already. His much vaunted £30,000 hair transplant may be thinning. The photographic evidence may be conflicting, but dare he risk the threat of Lammergeiers mistaking his bald head for a rock. As he runs towards goal, he doesn't want to have to keep glancing skywards to make sure that a tortoise is not about to drop on him, like the terrible tragedy that befell Aeschylus. 

The Wags joining the England squad may prove to be a blessing. Let us hope that they provide a distraction, but I am not entirely convinced that it will fool a Lammergeier.

Baldness and cancer

Poor Will.i.am Hague and Ian Duncan Smith. Not only do they have to cope with the ever present danger of a Lammergeier mistaking their bald head for rocks and dropping a tortoise on them, but now a new threat has emerged to worry them.

Researchers at the University of Toronto, have discovered that men who have gone bald early, can be up to twice as likely to get prostrate cancer, than other more hirsute males.

They could try having their bald heads tattooed with a drawing of a full head of hair, like the bass guitarist in the rock band Split Enz, is amusingly alleged to have done after shaving his head in the 1970's. It may work and if they are desperate, may consider giving it a go.

It may fool the researchers, but it won't fool the Lammergeiers for a moment.