In my role as Master of the Game of Fighting Cocks for her Majesty the Queen, (alas, a largely ceremonial role in these unhappy times,) I expect to be very busy this Diamond Jubilee weekend. Indeed; my own dear wife, as Strewer of the Royal Herbs, will be likewise engaged in her duties.
For the past two years, I have been selectively breeding Derbyshire Redcaps and Scots Dumpies to have the perfect specimens to match against each other on the day. However; I have failed to elicit much interest from the official organisers, save for an impertinent visit from a constable and a hatchet faced birdwatcher from the RSPB. Similarly, when I put forward my request to Gary Barlow and Andrew Lloyd Webber, to compose something suitable for the occasion, they unaccountably failed to return my calls.
If this is what we can expect, then I fear it will be a shambles. I would not be surprised if Trenton Oldfield decided to have another bracing swim in the Thames this Sunday afternoon.
Fortunately, a barrel of Auld Squiffy, persuaded the stout yeomen of our village to rally round and mark the occasion of the Queens Diamond Jubilee. We will have our own procession through the village. As our local Morris side, The Balsamic Bounders and the Ladies Garland team, The Vinaigrette's, dance through the village to the traditional tune, 'Merrily kissed the Keynsian,' my wife will strew Lavender and Basil in their path. Once they have reached the old bear pit, they will be treated to the tapping of the barrel and a match between the Redcap and the Dumpie.
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